We were married five years when I found out my husband had been unfaithful. He had also been hiding an addiction to pornography that he’d secretly struggled with for many years, before we even met, which had led to a night that would change our marriage forever.
Although I thought I knew what I would do if ever faced with that situation, the truth is none of us really knows until we are knee deep in the pain and brokenness of discovering our marriage and life as we know it is not what we thought. And when I found out the truth I clearly heard God whispering into my heart to stay.
Back then no one talked publicly about infidelity unless they were discussing their reason for getting a divorce, and very few talked about sexual addiction. I felt desperate for stories of reconciliation. I needed to know that it was possible not only to forgive and move on, but to rebuild trust and one day have a strong and healthy marriage.
So I scoured the internet for stories of hope and healing, but all I found were a lot of hurt and broken people feeling just as uncertain as I was.
I searched Amazon for books about healed marriages. I found exactly two. I bought them both and soaked in every word. But in both cases, the stories were written just a few years after the incident and I wondered: will it last? What will these marriages look like in another 10, 15, 20 years? No matter where I looked I couldn’t find any hope that it was possible to achieve true healing and a lasting marriage after experiencing something as devastating as infidelity.
Healing a broken marriage is lonely work.
There is so much shame and disgrace placed on infidelity and addiction (especially pornography addiction) that no one wants to come forward and talk about it for fear of judgment. And I get it. I felt that way for many years and only two people, besides my counselor and my husband’s counselor knew what we were going through.
But I don’t believe that God meant for us to struggle alone. Hope rises up when we meet each other in the dark places of life.
Both my husband and I believe that God wants to use our story to help others feel less alone in theirs. To share in our brokenness. And most of all to offer hope.
So now I’m going to tell you what I so desperately wanted to hear 15 years ago. I’m going to answer the same questions that weighed on my heart but I couldn’t find answers to. And I’m going to be totally honest with you, no sugar-coating it.
Is it possible to trust again?
Yes, it is, but not right away. It takes a lot of time and hard work. It takes setting healthy boundaries and agreeing to open communication. It requires patience with your spouse and reliance on God. When I couldn’t trust my husband, I put my trust in God to guide our marriage and show me the way. Trust did not return quickly or all at once. It came gradually over time, and when trust was broken again (and it was, in both big and small ways), it meant putting in a lot of hard work once more. But I can tell you honestly that today I trust my husband, probably more than I did before the discovery because I have seen him pull himself up out of the pits of hell and work hard on recovery and on our marriage. And in the moments where fear or insecurity start to rise up, we talk about it before it gets big, before it turns into suspicion.
Can we get back the marriage we once had?
No. But you can get something better. Here’s the thing I learned through my journey: my marriage was not as great as I thought it was before everything came out in the open. How could it be when there were secrets and lies, shame and denial eroding the foundation of what I thought we had? As my husband and I put in the hard work to heal our marriage we rebuilt on a new, sturdier foundation that was based on complete honesty. My husband hid his addiction and infidelity from me because he was so ashamed of who he was and scared if I saw the man behind the curtain I wouldn’t want him anymore. Once it was all out in the open there was nothing to hide from, and we could begin to build something new without facade or fabrication. He no longer had to pretend he was someone he wasn’t, but he had to be brave enough to trust that I would love him in his brokenness.
Will we ever be able to experience intimacy without thinking of “the other person”?
Yes. This is a hard one, and over the years I have spoken to other women rebuilding their marriages and I think the path to healing in the bedroom looks different for everyone. It also depends a lot on the baggage we all bring into our marriages. But I do believe that as trust is rebuilt, so is physical intimacy. The two go hand-in-hand and each one helps restore the other. Tread lightly here in the beginning. Don’t go faster than you’re comfortable and give yourself a lot of grace. But also, be very open and honest with your spouse about your struggles. Intimacy doesn’t always mean sex. There are other ways to connect and draw close to each other in a safe and healing way.
Will my marriage forever be “tainted” or disgraced?
Not unless you allow it. Here’s the thing: for years I was afraid to share my story because I didn’t want others to judge my husband, me, or our marriage. I didn’t want people to think our marriage was less-than because of what we’d been through. Well, guess what? No one else gets to determine the worth of your marriage except you and God. Whatever standards you think your relationship must meet to be considered whole, healthy, or beautiful, go ahead and throw those out. Because what God’s word says is that healing and redemption come when we confess our sins. His word says that He will “bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes.” (Isaiah 61:3) And He has proven this to us again, and again, and again. Anyone who looks down on you for working hard to repair what has been broken is trying to make themselves feel better about whatever sin and brokenness they are hiding in their own lives. Plain and simple.
One last thing — all of the above, it is 100% true.
My marriage is strong, healthy, passionate, and beautiful today.
My husband is my best friend and we are closer than we’ve ever been. But it was a long road to get here, with multiple setbacks. It took time and a full commitment from both of us. You cannot heal a marriage alone. Both partners have to want it and be willing to put in the hard work. We weren’t always on the same page with what that looked like and there were seasons I really struggled to believe we’d ever get to this place. But let me assure you that there is nothing and no one too broken for God’s redeeming grace.
Featured photo by Sebastian Pichler on Unsplash