I’m afraid.
That’s the first time I’ve said it out loud since this all began.
As a follower of Jesus, I know I have not been given a Spirit of fear; I claim that!
As a mother, I believe it’s my job to create calm and stability for my kids. I’ve been trying to do that.
As an employee, I am grateful to still have a job, one that challenges me creatively, one I can do from home. I embrace that.
As a ministry leader, with a social platform (albeit a small one), I feel that I need to use my words to lift-up and encourage. Look for the good, stay positive, point people to the Hope found in scripture and our Heavenly Father. And that’s what I’ve been trying to do with my words for the last month.
But here’s the truth: I’m scared.
I’m scared that my very social daughter is getting depressed because she can’t see her friends, or go to the movies, or even walk through the mall.
I’m scared that my dad, who works at a big hospital, might pick up the virus and his immune system won’t be able to stand up to it.
I’m scared that my grandmother — who is in a memory care facility — thinks I’ve abandoned her because I can’t visit in person, and by the time I’m able to see her again, she won’t remember me.
I’m scared that this is our new normal. Not just a 2 or 3 month interruption, but a year or more of living shut-in, separate, apart.
And when I go to bed at night, I lay there scrolling through social media and headlines for hours instead of sleeping, because I know when I wake up it will be another day of living like this, and I’m not quite ready to face it again. To try and be optimistic, and strong, and hopeful all over again, when there is so much that challenges those feelings every day.
I’m afraid, and I’ve been ashamed to admit that out loud because when you’re a believer you’re supposed to have this iron-clad, unwavering faith. And when you’re a leader and teacher you’re supposed to encourage others to hold-on to Truth and Hope, and not give in to fear.
But here I am. Coming before you all exposed and vulnerable in the revelation of my fear.
I still believe my Heavenly Father is in charge, and that He knows how all of this is going to end.
I still believe that He will use what was meant for evil for His good.
I still believe that He loves me beyond measure, counting every hair on my head, and the head’s of my family, and He wants us to live a life of joy and peace.
I absolutely still believe all of that.
But I’m still afraid.
And I wonder…maybe the reason that “fear not” and “do not be afraid” are the most repeated phrases in the Bible isn’t because as followers of Jesus we should be above fear — immune to it. Maybe the reason God repeated those words so often is because He knew.
He KNEW we would most certainly be scared — and even terrified — by the things of this world.
Maybe the answer is not to hide from our fear, but to declare it out loud so that we can lay it down at His feet, seeking refuge and comfort in His words.
And in knowing we’re not alone.
“Do not be afraid, for I am with you”
Genesis 26:24, Deuteronomy 20:1, Joshua 1:9, 1 Chronicles 28:20, 2 Chronicles 20:17, Isaiah 43:5, Jeremiah 1:8, and Jeremiah 46:28