Tag Archives: past

The soundtrack

Forgive me for this slightly nostalgic and self-indulgent post. But it is my birthday. And my blog.

Earlier this year I wrote about 2017 being The Year of Living 40 and included a list of 40 things I planned to accomplish or do this year in honor of turning 40. I’ve been trying to keep myself accountable…I’ve even got a spreadsheet! (thankfully ridding myself of my A-type personality was not on this year’s list)

One of the items on my list was to make a playlist of my favorite 40 songs and listen to it often. Seemed easy enough, right? Until I tried to narrow it down to just 40 songs. I actually started with 130-something. After a lot of editing, I finally got it down to 75 and that’s as far as I can go. Because it turns out that music is innately tied to memories and there are some songs that are so visual in my mind’s eye that I cannot leave them off the list. Yes, as it turns out, my life has a soundtrack.

So, as homage to my first 40 years, here is the soundtrack of my life…in a somewhat chronological order of the memory the song is tied to, not necessarily the order of when the songs themselves were released.

  1. Country Roads – John Denver (1977 – born in Harpers Ferry, West Virginia, this song has obvious meaning and connection. I also remember hearing this song playing on the radio in my dad’s old red Datsun 280z.)
  2. Superstar – The Carpenters (1979 – OK so maybe I don’t remember the exact moment I first heard this song, but I grew up on the Carpenters and to this day I have to belt this song whenever it comes on)
  3. Rainbow Connection – Kermit the Frog (Because I grew up on the Muppets.)
  4. Longer – Dan Folgerberg
  5. Beautiful – Carol King (Another one I grew up on. Still one of my all-time favorite girl-anthems)
  6. Imagine – John Lennon
  7. Yesterday – The Beatles
  8. Let it Be – The Beatles (I’m lumping together my favorite Beatles songs here. I honestly can’t remember the first time I heard them. Being born in the late-70’s it felt like the Beatle’s music was just always there and always special)
  9. Time After Time – Cyndi Lauper
  10. Piano Man – Billy Joel
  11. Eternal Flame – The Bangles
  12. One Moment in Time – Whitney Houston (My first cassette tape every was Whitney)
  13. Man in the Mirror – Michael Jackson
  14. In Your Eyes – Peter Gabriel (Because the movie “Say Anything” came out and every girl wanted John Cusack to stand outside her window with a giant boom-box playing this song)
    1988
  15. Angel Eyes – Jeff Healey Band (1989 – I was in the 6th grade and had my first slow dance with a boy at the middle school Valentine’s Day dance. His name was Jeff Brown and I’d had a crush on him since the 4th grade. His mom picked me up and drove us to the dance and he brought me a heart-shaped cake…because cake is way better than flowers! I can’t hear this song and not think of that.)
  16. Faith – George Michael
  17. Brown Eyed Girl – Van Morrison
  18. You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’ – Righteous Brothers (1990 – The movie “Top Gun” had just come out and I had one of the best weeks of my childhood at my favorite summer camp and we sang this song all. week. long. As a result, the following year I went to my first concert with my BFF from summer camp – The Righteous Brothers at Wolf Trap.)
    1990
  19. Place in This World – Michael W. Smith (December 1990 – I received my first Michael W. Smith cassette tape, “Go West Young Man” and that was all she wrote.)
  20. Beautiful In My Eyes – Joshua Kadison (Must have played this CD 100 million times)
  21. Bridge Over Troubled Water – Simon & Garfunkel (1990’s – Even though I know I had heard their music earlier in life, it wasn’t until sometime in high school that I really discovered Simon & Garfunkel and I was completely changed forever)
  22. Hotel California – The Eagles (1994 – I was in the Color Guard all through highschool and for some reason every time we traveled to an away game somebody played this song on the bus.)
  23. Time in a Bottle – Jim Croce
  24. You Got It – Bonnie Raitt
  25. We Shall Be Free – Garth Brooks
  26. Somebody to Love – Queen
  27. I Still Believe – Miss Saigon Soundtrack (1993 – My Aunt Peggy took me to see Miss Saigon at the Kennedy Center and I bawled my eyes out for most of the show. This started my love-affair with Broadway musicals)
  28. This is the Time – Billy Joel (1995 – This was the theme song for our senior prom)
  29. It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday – Boyz 2 Men (1995 – High School graduation)
  30. Friends – Michael W. Smith (1995 – more High School graduation)
  31. Wide Open Spaces – Dixie Chicks
  32. Change The World – Eric Clapton (Summer of 1996 – met this boy named David on my first summer home from college. We only got to date for about 6 weeks before I had to head back to North Carolina, but those 6 weeks were the start of something big)
  33. Head Over Feet – Alanis Morissette
  34. Power of Two – Indigo Girls
  35. Least Complicated – Indigo Girls (1996 – I was introduced to the Indigo Girls by my old friend and college roommate, Mary, coincidentally the same girl who introduced me to Michael W. Smith back in 1990. I owe her a lot! The first — and only — time I camped out overnight for concert tickets was when Indigo Girls came to Boone)
    1997
  36. Drift Off to Dream in My Arms – Travis Tritt
  37. I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor (Our go-to karaoke song when I was in college and went out with my girlfriends)
    1999-2
  38. Haven’t Seen For a While – Pat McGee Band (1997, I think. David and I accidentally discover Pat McGee Band when they open for John Secada (who remembers him?) This became one of “our songs” because long distance relationships are hard)
  39. Wonder – Natalie Merchant
  40. Come Some Rainy Day – Wynona
  41. Strawberry Wine – Deana Carter
  42. Straight To the Heart – Michael W. Smith
  43. Meet in the Middle – Diamond Rio (1998 – My friend Jamie and I got to co-host the country radio show, “Kickin’ Country”, on our college campus radio station Thursday nights. Most of the time it was an alternative rock station, so the only people that tuned in to hear the country show were our friends, but we had so much fun! This was one of the songs we played a lot)
    1998
  44. Pray for Me – Michael W. Smith (1999 – College graduation)
  45. Carolina on My Mind – Jame Taylor (1999 – long time fan of James Taylor, this song took on a whole new meaning after living in North Carolina for four years. Truly some of the best memories of my life)
    1999.jpg
  46. Open Arms – Journey
  47. Dog & Butterfly – Heart
  48. Beautiful – Christina Aguilera
  49. Fat Bottomed Girls – Queen
  50. The Other Side of Me – Michael W. Smith
  51. Love of My Life – Michael W. Smith (May 20, 2000 – marry the love of my life)
    2000
  52. I Can Only Imagine – Mercy Me
  53. Seasons of Love – Rent Soundtrack
  54. Your Song – Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman (from Moulin Rouge soundtrack)
  55. Danny’s Song – Kenny Loggins (August 2002 – find out I’m pregnant with Hannah)
  56. Life Is Beautiful – Keb Mo
  57. Angel From Montgomery – Susan Tedeschi
  58. In My Daughter’s Eyes – Martina McBride (March 26, 2003 – Hannah is born)
    2003
  59. I’ll Stand By You – The Pretenders
  60. God Only Knows – The Beach Boys
  61. Hope for Me Yet – Marc Broussard
  62. One Boy, One Girl – Colin Raye (October 20, 2005 – Daniel and Olivia are born)
    2005
  63. Real Live Woman – Trisha Yearwood
  64. Live Like You Were Dying – Tim McGraw
  65. Stars Align – Jamie Prosser (My best friend writes this song and later records it on her first full-length CD)
  66. 100 Years – Five for Fighting
  67. Defying Gravity – Wicked Soundtrack
  68. For Good – Wicked Soundtrack (2010 – See “Wicked” on Broadway for the first time)
  69. Broken Together – Casting Crowns
  70. Blessings – Laura Story
  71. You Won’t Let Go – Michael W. Smith (2014 – Started my blog…and unbeknownst to me, the early seeds of ministry)
  72. Still the One – Orleans (May 2015 – David and I celebrate 15 years of marriage)
  73. Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) – Chris Tomlin
  74. Fight Song – Rachel Platten
  75. Thinking Out Loud – Ed Sheeran
    family

 

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Mamas and their daughters – hope for healing

I recently had lunch with a good friend to talk about planning a women’s retreat. As we discussed ideas for the teaching sessions, we ended up on the topic of mamas and daughters, and how there seems to be a large majority of women carrying around hurt, anger, unforgiveness, and/or resentment when it comes to this special but complex relationship. It’s a topic very near and dear to my heart — as both a daughter and a mother of two girls.

I’ve seen firsthand generations of women struggle to find peace and healing in their relationship with their mama. I don’t know what it is about the mother/daughter relationship that makes it a breeding ground for so much hurt. Perhaps it is because of the raw, primal dependence we have on our mothers from birth that makes us expect so much. We expect them to always be there without fail, to always say the right things, lead by example, and pick us up and brush us off when we are hurting. It’s a lot of pressure to put on a person, really, and when mamas mess up — as we surely will because we are, after all, just flawed human beings like everyone else — we come tumbling off our golden mother-of-the-year pedestals. The super-mom image crashes into a million pieces and we daughters, we don’t seem to know how to reconcile that.

I am very blessed to have three women in my life who have loved and mothered me at one point or another. Each of these women is incredibly dear to me, yet I have experienced some degree of conflict in all three of these relationships over the years. But it is my relationship with my first mom, the mom who gave birth to me at the tender age of 23, that has been through the most difficult of times. Our story is one rooted in hurt, anger, pride, and estrangement. But it has blossomed into a story of reconciliation, forgiveness and hope. It is a testament that healing and redemption can be found through the grace of God. I don’t divulge my past lightly or without concern for the others who played a part. But, with my mom’s blessing, I share with all of you this piece of our story because it’s important to understand the place of hurt that we came from to truly appreciate the place of healing we have found.

If you’ve been a reader of my blog, you know that when I was young I went through a horrible ordeal. Not knowing how to handle the shocking news and reality that was facing her, my mom chose to believe it was all a misunderstanding. After “the incident” I moved out of my mom and stepfather’s house and had a painful and estranged relationship with my mom. I was still just a girl, only 13, and I struggled internally between just wanting to have my mom in my life, and feeling deeply wounded over her choices. I tried many times to come to terms with what had happened and to forgive her, but the pain and rejection never went away, and eventually it turned to anger and resentment.

When I was a young college student my mom divorced her second husband and that seemed to open the door to a better, easier relationship. But it was really a superficial relationship because no matter what I tried to tell myself, or her, I still had not forgiven her; the wounds were still there, just under the surface. This was not the foundation of a healthy relationship because every time there was a conflict or a disagreement it was easy for me to go right back to that place of resentment; to pull up a mental record of all the ways I had felt hurt, shortchanged, or abandoned and relive that pain all over again. And so, our relationship continued to be strained.

After having my first child, my mother disagreed with some of the parenting choices my husband and I were making. At that moment I really considered just walking away. It would be easier, I reasoned. No more conflict, no more hurt, no more disappointment. Why was I trying so hard anyway? And then I looked down into the face of my little daughter and realized she was why. She deserved a relationship with her Nana. She deserved to have a mother who believed in forgiveness and healing, and who lived out those things; a mother who loved by example. Because one day she might be the daughter on the verge of throwing in the towel and giving up on me!

It took several years of counseling and prayer before I was able to truly put the past to rest. I was in my early 30’s and for the first time in my life I felt truly free of my past. I got rid of the mental record of wrongs. I saw my mom for who she was: a flawed, hurting sinner, just like me. Yes, she had made mistakes, and would likely pay the rest of her life for those, but I realized that she had been scared and overwhelmed and unprepared for the decision that faced her and so she did what she thought was best. Ephesians 4:31-32 In the book of Ephesians, Paul tells us “You must not hold on to any bitter hurts, rage or anger. You must not fight each other or say bad things about each other. You must not think or act because of spite. You should be friends and you should be kind to each other. You must forgive each other, just as God forgave you. God forgave you because of Christ.” (Ephesians 4:31-32).

In the 12 short years I’ve been a parent I have made many mistakes. I have been scared, overwhelmed, and unprepared for decisions that faced me. I have tried to seek guidance from the Lord, but I know I often jump to conclusions or act in haste. I have been guilty of doing the same in my marriage, friendships and other family relationships.

I am human.

I am a work in progress.

Thankfully I have a Father in heaven who forgives me every time;  who does not hold grudges or a record of wrongs; who sent His very own, beloved child to die so that my poor choices and decisions would be wiped away and I would not be separated from His love. If He can do that for us, should we not also try and do the same for our friends, siblings, spouses, grandparents, fathers, and our mothers? Forgiveness is not something we earn because we are worthy, for human nature makes us unapologetic and arrogant. Forgiveness is a gift that comes free of appraisal or condition.

———————————————————————————-

About three years after I finally let go of my hurt and anger and truly forgave my mom, she said the words I had been waiting almost 25 years to hear: “I believe you. I’m sorry.” I am convinced God was working on both of our hearts for years leading up to this. After I finally let go of the past and started anew with my mom, she was able to do the same.

Today my mom and I are closer than ever. I lean on her for support and guidance. I value her opinion and I trust that she loves me beyond all measure. Our relationship is not perfect, we do things that frustrate each other and disappoint each other. But I can’t imagine my life without her in it. Forgiveness Fellow daughters, I don’t know what past hurts you are carrying around. I don’t know if your relationship with your mama can be restored, because it takes two people to heal a broken relationship. But I do know that with God’s help you can forgive. You can finally, once and for all, let go of whatever you are carrying around and be free of that burden. You can find healing. And I encourage you to start now, before any more time is lost.

Can I share a prayer with you?

Heavenly Father, the relationship between mamas and daughters is an incredibly special and fragile gift. From the moment we are born there is a bond forged in iron. Yet the very things that make our bond strong can also be our undoing. Father, I know there are so many women who are hurting right now — seeking out forgiveness, repentance, healing and hope. I pray that we daughters can soften our hearts and turn our sights to you so that we may see our mamas through your eyes. I pray that every daughter who is hurting will seek out the help she needs to heal and come to know the freedom of forgiveness. I pray that us mamas, we will lean on you for strength and guidance when we are taken by surprise at how incredibly difficult this mothering job is. May we be patient with our children and gentle with ourselves. And may we show mercy on our own mothers, remembering they once stood in our shoes and, just like us, they did the best they knew how. Amen.


#livefreeThursdayForgiveness is freedom! And I’m honored to be linking up today with Suzie Eller and friends for #livefreeThursday. Hop over to Suzie’s blog to read more encouraging stories of hope and freedom from women who are joining together to live freely in Christ.