This is not who I wanted to be

I tried so hard for so long not to become her. The woman in this picture.

My first real job out of college was working in the digital design department of a big name consulting firm. All of my coworkers were so much cooler than me, with their mid-century modern homes, designer clothes, and trendy haircuts. I tried to be like them, but neither my budget or plus-sized frame allowed for it.

I was good at my job, though, so I got promoted quickly. I bought a new car, and too many shoes, and when I found out I was pregnant I convinced my husband we needed a bigger house in a nicer neighborhood. We found an adorable 1950’s rambler but I had my husband tearing down walls, ripping up carpet, and laying new flooring before we even moved in. I spent way too much money at IKEA.

I moved up the ladder in my career, and bought more high heels and designer knock-off purses. I was going to be the trendy, hip, put-together mom. I was going to be the successful career-driven mom.

I was going to have it all.

Two years later, yearning to spend more time with my daughter and grow our family, we moved out of the city and into the mountains. But I was not going to give-up, like it seemed so many other women I knew had. I wore Spanx everyday, heels with my jeans, got my hair colored every 6 weeks, and continued to freelance in order to “stay in the game”.

I tried so hard to turn our older, quirky mountain home into something from a magazine. I tried to turn myself into something from a magazine. At times, I tried to turn my kids into something from a magazine (heck one time they were even on the cover of a local magazine!).

I went back to work full-time after a few years of part-time freelancing and tried to shatter the glass ceiling, while still being super-mom throwing Pinterest-worthy parties, packing healthy lunches, and keeping a beautiful home.

But honestly? It was exhausting. Trying to keep up with this ideal of perfection, and success. I felt like I was always falling short, never quite good enough. Because there was always someone prettier, more stylish, with a better job, more money, a nicer home, and with better dressed, happier kids. And there will ALWAYS be someone prettier, more stylish, with a better job, etc., etc.

Measuring my worth, my value, my place by these things meant I was never going to have or be enough.

Then a few years ago, slowly, things started to change. I cut back my hours (and my salary) so I could be home more with my kids. I traded high heels for tennis shoes. I stopped throwing big parties and served store-bought cakes and Little Caesar’s pizza. I turned 40. I let go of a lot. A LOT.

I spent more time seeking Jesus than seeking perfection and success.

And here I am. This woman I never wanted to be. Taking four days off work just because I wanted to be with my kids, and not even the slightest bit worried or guilty. Camping and hiking, sweating through my stretchy pants, Spanx free, no makeup, frizzy hat hair, and a $5 pair of shoes.

And I never thought I’d be here, be her.

But this woman? She’s content. She’s comfortable in her own skin. She feels like she already has everything she ever wanted. She knows she has everything she could ever need.

It doesn’t feel like giving up or settling. It feels like I finally got it…all of it.

None of it would make the cover of a magazine. But it sure does make for a great life.