Why didn’t you leave?

Why didn’t you leave? It’s a question that I get asked every now and again –more often than I would like — from people who learn the story of my marriage.

My initial reaction is to get defensive, angry even. Especially when the question comes from friends who know my husband and me intimately. But then I think, “maybe they don’t know because my reasons are not the world’s reasons.”

So here it is. To set the record straight. To explain and hopefully make you understand.

I stayed with my husband because it was what God asked me to do.

That is the truth, and it is both incredibly simple, and utterly complex at the same time.

I didn’t want to stay. Before it even happened, before I knew of his addiction or of her, before any of it came to light I always believed I would leave if faced with that situation. But then I was there, waist-deep in the muck of it, and God asked me to stay.

Many times over the next four years I thought about leaving. Healing was such hard work. I was impatient and I mourned all that was lost. I thought trust could never be completely restored. And I told God, in no uncertain terms, that I would not live in a half-way marriage. I would not pretend. But again, He asked me to stay.

Even after I thought we’d gotten through the worst, that the addiction was under control, and there were no more secrets, years later there was the relapse. Everything crumbled around me and this time, this time I was certain I would leave. I could not, would not go through it all again. I pleaded with God to confirm that it was OK for me to go, but still, He asked me to stay.

“How do you know it was God?”

“How can you be certain you heard His voice?” they ask. I tell them, “because when you’re broken and desperate, doubled-over in pain from your heart breaking, His voice is the clearest it will ever be.” At least it was for me.

And now, 15 years after finding out about the addiction, and 5 years post-relapse, I look at the beautiful man sleeping beside me as I write these words and I know it was God speaking to me. I know that this is what He wanted for us. It’s what He could see in the distance that we could not. And it is awe-inspiring.

That’s how I know it was God.

Of course, His was not the only voice I heard during those years. I heard the voices of the world saying,

“People don’t change.”

“You deserve happiness.”

“Marriage shouldn’t be this hard.”

I heard people I love and care about saying,

“I don’t think things will get better.”

“I don’t know why you want to stay.”

“You deserve better.”

And those were the hardest to hear. Because who are they to decide they know better than God? That they can see the future? That when the going gets tough, the tough should pack their bags and leave?

And who am I? Do I not have my own sin? Why do we continually feel the need to rank and categorize sin and put ourselves above others? To decide that we are more worthy and our brokenness is less ugly? When I read God’s word, when I read about my Savior, that is not what He lived and breathed.

Don’t get me wrong, I am no stronger than the next person.

And don’t you dare think I am some martyr or heroine. If it was only up to me, I would have quit. I would have left. I didn’t have the strength to stay, to rebuild, to trust, to love through the pain.

But God did.

And we both leaned on Him and trusted Him. We got up each morning and made the choice to trust Him all over again. Day after day.

When my faith waivered, when I blocked out God’s voice, thankfully there were other voices, too. The ones who said,

“God is with you.”

“God is for your marriage.”

“God can heal. Trust Him.”

“The enemy is trying to tear you down, don’t let him win.”

There were fewer of these voices, and they were softer. But they were there. Thank God, they were there.

Maybe the question we should be asking isn’t “why did you stay?”

Maybe the question we should be asking is, “why do we think leaving is the better choice?”

That’s what it boils down to, isn’t it? That’s the lie we’re handed over and over. That leaving is the smart thing, the brave thing, the rational thing. Because life is too short to be unhappy for more than two seconds, and it just shouldn’t be this hard.

But I ask you, where is that written in scripture?

I’ll end with this: There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. If your marriage ended — for any manner of reasons — I carry no judgment. None. And if you escaped an abusive situation I have nothing by love and gratitude for you and your bravery.

But if you are currently in a hard season of marriage and you are wondering, “why should I stay?” I hope you will remember my story. I hope you will know that God is for your marriage, and the enemy is not.

Don’t buy into the lies that love shouldn’t be hard work. Don’t listen to the voices that tell you that your marriage — your story — is only worthy if it looks a certain way.

Because my story doesn’t look anything like the world told me it should, and I am so very grateful for it.

Featured photo by Muhammad Ruqiyaddin on Unsplash